Bikini Karate Babes Movie, for the video game with the same name :)
Anna Friel Panty Shot
12 years ago
Blonde Logic
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
the Robot Secretary
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
Toilet Tissue
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'.
The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'.
'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.
The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'.
'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.
The Circle
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.
The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.
He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"
The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.
He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"
Horrific Accident
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
You've got Blonde
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
Game Of Intelligence
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
Passed Away
Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."
Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.
He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"
Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."
Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.
He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"
Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"
Dumb Blonde Goes to Vegas
The blonde plopped down in First Class in spite of her Coach ticket.
The stewardess informed her, “Miss, you’re going to have to move to your seat.”
But the blonde merely smiled smugly. “Honey, you don’t understand: I’m cute, I’m blonde, and when I get to Las Vegas, I’m going to be rich.”
Even the head stewardess couldn’t make her move. “I’m cute, I’m blonde, and when I get to Las Vegas, I’m going to be rich.”
Finally the Captain was summoned. He whispered in the blonde’s ear, she gave him a surprised look, then stood up and moved quietly to Coach.
The stewardesses were impressed. “What did you say to get her to leave?” “Oh, I just told her ‘First Class doesn’t stop in Las Vegas!’”
The stewardess informed her, “Miss, you’re going to have to move to your seat.”
But the blonde merely smiled smugly. “Honey, you don’t understand: I’m cute, I’m blonde, and when I get to Las Vegas, I’m going to be rich.”
Even the head stewardess couldn’t make her move. “I’m cute, I’m blonde, and when I get to Las Vegas, I’m going to be rich.”
Finally the Captain was summoned. He whispered in the blonde’s ear, she gave him a surprised look, then stood up and moved quietly to Coach.
The stewardesses were impressed. “What did you say to get her to leave?” “Oh, I just told her ‘First Class doesn’t stop in Las Vegas!’”
Dumb Blonde
A redhead was well over the speed limit when she asked her blonde passenger, “See any cops behind us?”
The blonde turned around for a long look. “Hey, yeah, I do.” “Damn!” said the redhead. “Are his flashers on?”
The blonde replied, “Yep, nope. Yep, nope. Yep, nope.”
The blonde turned around for a long look. “Hey, yeah, I do.” “Damn!” said the redhead. “Are his flashers on?”
The blonde replied, “Yep, nope. Yep, nope. Yep, nope.”
The New Yorker Moves To The Country
A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in the country side. Just days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store (a good 2-hour drive away).
"Can you get me some chicken feed?" the man asked.
"Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you actually gots chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin' sick." the clerk responded.
He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. "Here's my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed." He got his feed and drove home.
The next day he ran out of dog food. Once again, he drove down to the store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the same case. He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went back home and retrieved his dog, and got his dog food.
The next day, he went down to the store again, this time with a shoe box with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He walked into the store and said to the clerk "Put your finger in this, take it out, and smell it."
"That smells like... crap!" she said with a look of surprise on her face.
"Yup. Can you get me some toilet paper."
"Can you get me some chicken feed?" the man asked.
"Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you actually gots chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin' sick." the clerk responded.
He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. "Here's my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed." He got his feed and drove home.
The next day he ran out of dog food. Once again, he drove down to the store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the same case. He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went back home and retrieved his dog, and got his dog food.
The next day, he went down to the store again, this time with a shoe box with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He walked into the store and said to the clerk "Put your finger in this, take it out, and smell it."
"That smells like... crap!" she said with a look of surprise on her face.
"Yup. Can you get me some toilet paper."
Dirty One Line Jokes
Q. What do a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
A. A wet nose.
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged
Q. Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist?
A. He got the sack.
Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don’t ask her out again.
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.
Q. What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering menopause?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins.
Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.
A. A wet nose.
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged
Q. Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist?
A. He got the sack.
Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don’t ask her out again.
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.
Q. What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering menopause?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins.
Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.
Bad One Line Jokes part 2
Q. What’s the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
Q. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from your grandmother have in common?
A. You don’t look down.
Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.
Q. Why is being in the military like a blow job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.
Q. What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?
A. A tearjerker.
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
Q. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from your grandmother have in common?
A. You don’t look down.
Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.
Q. Why is being in the military like a blow job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.
Q. What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?
A. A tearjerker.
Bad One Line Jokes
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.
Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out.
Q. What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.
Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.
Q. What’s a necrophiliac’s biggest complaint about sex?
A. They just kinda lay there.
Q. How can you tell you’re in a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.
Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.
Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out.
Q. What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.
Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.
Q. What’s a necrophiliac’s biggest complaint about sex?
A. They just kinda lay there.
Q. How can you tell you’re in a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.
Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
the taxidermist
This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
The Bike
A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,
"Nah dad my bum is still sore."
His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,
"Nah dad my bum is still sore."
Teddy Bears
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."
Bad Pick Up Lines Part 5
Do you like milk? Cause you have it around your lips
(two girls are talking to each other) interupt them saying "hello ladies i don't mean to come between you... or do I?
are your parents terrorists? Cause you're the bomb
Hey do you have an extinguisher cause your on FIRE!
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
Are you a high jumper because u make my bar go up.
Are you going to the BBQ (What BBQ?) My meat in your grill
The only vowels I need are U and I
Do you need a napkin? because you look DIRTY!!!
are you a pirate? {she replies no why?} cause i am diggin your booty.. (or chest)...
Baby, you give the sun a reason to SHINE.
Do you have 10 cents cause from here you look like a dime
You have monkey wrench eyes, everytime I look into them my nuts tighten
"If I was naked, holding some pie and ice cream, would that still be dessert? or would I?"
I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
YOU HAVE SOMETHING ON YOUR ASS [WHAT?] MY EYES.
Are you GREEK [IF NO] Are you SURE CAUSE you LOOK LIKE A GODDESS TO ME
Do you know where the nearest insane assylum is? Because baby, without you I'm going crazy.
I will be a Dixie Chick and you be my cowboy... now take me away!
Girl do you take karate because your body is kicking.
Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
Hey babe, can I have your number? I think it'll look better in my pocket than in your head.
"That shirt is becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too."
Is your last name pepper cause your SMOKIN!
hey baby wanna see the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow
Can I use your phone to call God & I need to tell him 1 of his angels are missing
You have something on your ass..what?...my eyes.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.
I can't play the guitar but i'll sure pluck your G String
Man.... Christmas must have come early this year because you where first on my Christmas list.
(boy)wanna play titanic:(girl)yeah:(boy) when i say iceberg you go down
Are you THE MATRIX, casue I'M THE ONE.
If i filp a coin what are my chances of getting head?
Hey you know what(what) you remind me of homework (why) because your always ready to be done
Do you have a paper towel cuz I get dirty lookin at you!
If you were my deck I would take out the nails and screw you.
Before you put that outfit on they were just clothes, But with you in it.. it is a fashion statment.
Was your Father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
You're like milk, I just wanna make you part of my complete breakfast.
Bad Pick Up Lines Part 4
Hey Baby. My underwear is completly stretched out. You know what that means.
Drop a packet of sugar on the floor next to the girl you are after. Pick it up and say "I'm sorry, but I think you dropped your nametag!"
Wanna try and Australian kiss? (what's that?) It's like a French kiss...only down under!
Hey you free for dinner, because I have a private chef who makes a mean breakfast in bed.....You see where I'm going with this? (Works better if you actually do have a private chef)
Are you a drummer, because you seem to know the beat of my heart.
Hey, you owe me a drink. I dropped mine when you walked past.
Are you a boxer?? (No) Well how about you get on your knees and give me two blows to the head?
Did you ever realize screw rhymes with me and you?
Are you an alien cause you have just abducted my heart
I'd buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the straw
Did you wash your clothes in windex? Cause i can see myself in your pants
Excuse me, do you have a quarter? (No,why?) Well cause I told my girlfriend I'd call her when I found someone better
Lets play circus, first sit on my face i'll guess ur weight and i'll eat the difference
Do you have a cellphone in your back pocket(why?) Cause yo booty been callin me alllll dayyyy
throw a packet of sugar and say..... excuse me miss you dropped your nametag
Excuse me I think you droped something (when she asks what?) "My Jaw"
Since beauty is only skin deep, your body has no insides...
They say apples don't fall far from the tree, so that must mean your mom's hot too
Girl do you have a fever cause you sure look hot !
I think I saw a picture of you once, I saw it in the dictionary, it was right next to the word "KABLAAM"
Do you like punani .. because I would like 2 eat sum!
I like my coffee just like I like my women with (extra sugar, black, etc)
You wanna play pool I'll shoot my balls in your holes
Hey baby, is your name Daisy? Becuase i have the urge to plant you right here.
It may be a needle, but it works like a sewing machine
Are you a speeding ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you
Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world?
Is that shirt (those pants) mad of camel skin?(no, why?) cuz i noticed the humps
Tickle your pussy with a feather? (What?) I said, "Particularily nice weather."
Is there a magnet in here cuz baby I'm attracted to You.
I saw you from across the room, and I fainted, and hit my head. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance reasons
Hey do you want to play Pearl Harbor. if yea. it is where I sit back and you blow the hell out of me
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours
You know what would look good on you.....me
Were you standing by the fire? (why) cause your hair is on fire
You so fine I'd bite yo toe nails and drink yo bath water.
Bad Pick Up Lines Part 3
Is your body a map? Cause I love to travel!
Lets go behind a rock and get a little boulder!!/p>
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Smile if you want to sleep with me then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...
If I filp a coin what are my chances of getting head?
Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket
Hey ,they call me coffee cause I grind so fine
What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some Vitamin me.
Haven't we met before?... I'm not too good with names but i'm awesome with numbers.
If a kiss was a snow flake I would send you a snow storm
Your name must be mickey, cause you so fine. (In reference to One Hit Wonder Song by Toni Basil)
Nice pants...can i test the zipper?
I know hello in 6 different languages, which one do you want me to use in the morning?
Can i get your football jersey (what?) you know your name and number
If I put my key in your ignition will it turn you on?
I need to make a citizens arrest against you, cause it’s a crime to be that fine!
Your like Cigarettes, adictive as hell
Did you brush your teeth this morning or do I need to taste them to find out?
Did you just take a shower or is it me that's making you wet?
I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to u, the PRETTY WOMAN
(for an overweight person)"Hey baby, do you want to put the love in these handles?"
Do u have a boyfriend? Well, when u want a MANfriend, give me a call.
Wow I must be good at darts because I hit a bullseye with you
Damn Girl, your about to make the rocket in my pants blast off!
Have you ever slid down a rail, She says "no" would you like to slide down mine.
Girl, your so hot, I need oven mitts!
Hi, my name is Doug. Backwards, it's god with a little bit of U wrapped around it.
We're both fine specimans lets say we go make some more
Could you step away from the bar? your making all the ice melt
do you have an extendo ladder? because the first wall you put between us was to high for my regular ladder.
Bad Pick Up Lines Part 2
Baby I want to wear you like a pair of sun glasses, one leg over each ear.
You're in a relationship, im in a relationship but that doesn't mean we can't have relations
You must be a ship you've always been on my radar
If a blade of grass was sexy, then baby youd be a field.
If fine was a felony you'd be on death row.
Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way.
When she arrives say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."
You owe me money!! (Why?) because you've been living in my heart and not payin rent
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
You know how some men buy really expensive cars to make up for certain, well, shortages? Well, I don't even own a car.
(for an overweight person)"Hey baby, do you want to put the love in these handles?"
Am I in the woods cuz your a fox
The only thing I want between our relationship is latex
If you were a car, I'd wax and ride you all over town
Excuse me for interupting, and im not trying to make a pass, but you must be leaving the country if youre packing that much ass.
Hey, I lost my gun holester can I use yours?
Hey I am like a Rubik’s cube the more you play with me the harder I get!
Cute smile...Is that the only thing you can do with those lips?
God almost didn't make you. He was afraid the angels would get jealous.
Starlight, starbright why don't you come home with me tonight!
Hi, I'm an fine art appraiser and your ass is priceless!
You must be a parking ticket because you got fine written all over you
If Santa Claus comes down your chimney, and puts you in his sack, dont worry because I wanted you for christmas
I've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your G-spot.
If your left leg was thanksgiving and your right leg was christmas can I come see you between the holidays.
You're so hot you would make the devil sweat.
Awww.. BABY GURL YOU Aint NO DYME BECAUSE DYMES GET SPENT, BUT IN OTHER WORDS YOU A DIAMOND BECAUSE DIAMONDS LAST FOREVER
See that girl over there (if yes) shes likes nails. I sure hope you prefer screws cuz I can give you alot!
Bad Pick Up Lines Part 1
Are you an aspirin because I'd like to take you every 4 to 6 hours
There are a lot of fish in the sea, but your the only one I'd like to mount and take back to my place
Excuse me are you hiring? I heard you have an opening you need filled.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My Zipper
Do you like parties? Because you can climb up my pants and have a ball!
If you were vanilla ice cream and I was hot caramel, I'd pour myself all over you
Here is $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come to talk to me.
Girl......you are like a tall glass of water. And im telling youuuu str8 up im thirsty.
If you were a word on a peice of paper you would read (fine print)
Life without you would be like a broken pencil...pointless.
kissing is a language of love....... so how bout a conversation?
If you were a laser you'd be set to stunning.
Baby, your lips are like candy and im the fat kid
Octo Mom
Q: What's the name of the porn movie about Nadya Suleman's life?
A1: Nadya Croft...Womb Raider
A2: Eight Ain't Enough
A3: Big Tits and Stretchmarks
A4: Insemination Station
A5: Octopussy
A6: Octouterus
A7: The Other Grand Canyon
A8: Sperms Of Endearment
A9: DUDE, WHERE'S MY SPERM DONOR?
A1: Nadya Croft...Womb Raider
A2: Eight Ain't Enough
A3: Big Tits and Stretchmarks
A4: Insemination Station
A5: Octopussy
A6: Octouterus
A7: The Other Grand Canyon
A8: Sperms Of Endearment
A9: DUDE, WHERE'S MY SPERM DONOR?
Blonde Education Department
The blondes at the university led by Suzy , were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbo's. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.
So Suzy pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed and set up the Blonde Education Department.
Suzy and the blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbo's -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.
So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department designed by Suzy which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."
So Suzy pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed and set up the Blonde Education Department.
Suzy and the blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbo's -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.
So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department designed by Suzy which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."
101 Ways to Annoy People
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
- Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
- Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
- Speak only in a "robot" voice.
- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
- Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
- Sniffle incessantly.
- Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
- Name your dog "Dog."
- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
- Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
- Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
- Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
- Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
- Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
- Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
- Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
- Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
- Drum on every available surface.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
- Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
- Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
- Set alarms for random times.
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
- Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
- Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
- Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
- Wear your pants backwards.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
- Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
- ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
- only type in lowercase.
- dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Pay for your dinner with pennies.
- Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
- Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
- Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
- Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
- Light road flares on a birthday cake.
- Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
- At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
- When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
- Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
- Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
- Drive half a block.
- Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
- Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
- Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
- Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
- Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
- Wear a LOT of cologne.
- Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
- Sing along at the opera.
- Mow your lawn with scissors.
- At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
- Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
- Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
- Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
- Never make eye contact.
- Never break eye contact..
- Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
- Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
- Make appointments for the 31st of September.
- Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
More Bad Economy Jokes
Q: Why did General Motors end their sponsorship deal with Tiger Woods?
A: Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, and popular. And that's not the image GM is trying to portray!
Q: Why is it a bad sign that our camp in Guantanamo Bay is closing?
A: The economy is so bad now that even the terrorists are losing their homes!
Q: Why did the man think he saw a ghost on Halloween?
A: A kid dressed up as a 401 (K)
A: Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, and popular. And that's not the image GM is trying to portray!
Q: Why is it a bad sign that our camp in Guantanamo Bay is closing?
A: The economy is so bad now that even the terrorists are losing their homes!
Q: Why did the man think he saw a ghost on Halloween?
A: A kid dressed up as a 401 (K)
Bad Economy Jokes
Q: Why are Women more pessimistic about the economy then Men?
A: Because men are in charge of the economy!
Q: What is Barack Obama's new slogan in these tough times?
A: Spare Change You Can Believe In!
A: Because men are in charge of the economy!
Q: What is Barack Obama's new slogan in these tough times?
A: Spare Change You Can Believe In!
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
Blonde Cop
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Let's Play - Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!
A husband and wife were getting ready for bed one evening.
"Honey," the fellow asked, "do you want to have make love tonight?"
"No dear, not tonight," she replied.
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer!"
"In that case," he said, "may I phone a friend
"Honey," the fellow asked, "do you want to have make love tonight?"
"No dear, not tonight," she replied.
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer!"
"In that case," he said, "may I phone a friend
The Redneck & the Dummy
A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. All of a sudden, an angry redneck stands up, rolls up his sleeves ,and yells, ''I resent that!''
The ventriloquist starts apologizing to the redneck. The redneck looks at him and says, '' You stay outta this! I'm talking to the guy on your lap!''
The ventriloquist starts apologizing to the redneck. The redneck looks at him and says, '' You stay outta this! I'm talking to the guy on your lap!''
What's For Lunch?
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
Bad Swine Flu Joke
Q: How do you know if you have the Swine Flu?
A1: A small curly tail starts growing at the top of your tailbone!
A2: You start to apply mud instead of suntan lotion
A3: When you out in public you start to snuff for truffles
A4: After your fever breaks you start to smell like bacon!
A5. You emit short snorts between sentences
A1: A small curly tail starts growing at the top of your tailbone!
A2: You start to apply mud instead of suntan lotion
A3: When you out in public you start to snuff for truffles
A4: After your fever breaks you start to smell like bacon!
A5. You emit short snorts between sentences
the maternity ward
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fuck for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fuck for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
these three guys in a desert
There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.
"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.
She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."
The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.
"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."
"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.
"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"
"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.
He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.
"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.
"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."
"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"
He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.
"What do you want for some water?"
"You have to have sex with me."
Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.
"Do me here," she told him.
He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.
"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"
The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.
"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."
"Then lay back and close your eyes again."
This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.
"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."
"Eyes closed," he says.
Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.
"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.
So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.
One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"
"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.
She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."
The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.
"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."
"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.
"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"
"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.
He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.
"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.
"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."
"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"
He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.
"What do you want for some water?"
"You have to have sex with me."
Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.
"Do me here," she told him.
He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.
"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"
The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.
"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."
"Then lay back and close your eyes again."
This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.
"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."
"Eyes closed," he says.
Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.
"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.
So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.
One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"
terrible urges
An 18-year-old boy says to his father, “Dad, I keep getting
these terrible urges, what can I do about it?”
“I think you’d better go and see my friend Bob, he’s a sex therapist, I’m sure he’ll be able to help. Pop round to his
house this evening.”
The boy does as his father suggests, but after 5 visits there’s
no improvement. The sixth time he goes round the door is
opened by Bob’s wife who tells him the therapist has been
called away on urgent business.
“Can I help at all?” she says.
The boy tells her his problem and within moments she takes
him by the hand, leads him upstairs and makes frenzied love
to him. The next day he meets up with his father who asks
him how the treatment is going.
“It’s great now, dad,” smiles the boy. “The therapist’s wife
has got more brains between her legs than he has in his
head.”
these terrible urges, what can I do about it?”
“I think you’d better go and see my friend Bob, he’s a sex therapist, I’m sure he’ll be able to help. Pop round to his
house this evening.”
The boy does as his father suggests, but after 5 visits there’s
no improvement. The sixth time he goes round the door is
opened by Bob’s wife who tells him the therapist has been
called away on urgent business.
“Can I help at all?” she says.
The boy tells her his problem and within moments she takes
him by the hand, leads him upstairs and makes frenzied love
to him. The next day he meets up with his father who asks
him how the treatment is going.
“It’s great now, dad,” smiles the boy. “The therapist’s wife
has got more brains between her legs than he has in his
head.”
the peanut
A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear and no matter
how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out.
Just as they’re about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the
boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it
out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man’s nose and tells him to
blow as hard as he can.
The man does this and the peanut pops out. Sometime later the parents are talking and mum comments, “Our Vera’s got a clever boyfriend there. I wonder what will become of him.”
“I’ll tell you one thing, by the smell of his fingers, he’ll be
our son-in-law,” came the reply.
how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out.
Just as they’re about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the
boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it
out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man’s nose and tells him to
blow as hard as he can.
The man does this and the peanut pops out. Sometime later the parents are talking and mum comments, “Our Vera’s got a clever boyfriend there. I wonder what will become of him.”
“I’ll tell you one thing, by the smell of his fingers, he’ll be
our son-in-law,” came the reply.
Disappointed Father
The boy’s father was so disappointed with his son’s school
report, he decided to go and see the headmaster to find out
what had gone wrong.
“Well, I have good news and bad news,” replied the
headmaster.
“The bad news is that your son has discovered he’s gay and
he spends all his time pursuing the good looking boys
instead of studying.”
The father was horrified.
“But what on earth is the good news?” he stammered.
The headmaster smiled. “Well, the good news is that your
son has been voted Queen of the May.”
report, he decided to go and see the headmaster to find out
what had gone wrong.
“Well, I have good news and bad news,” replied the
headmaster.
“The bad news is that your son has discovered he’s gay and
he spends all his time pursuing the good looking boys
instead of studying.”
The father was horrified.
“But what on earth is the good news?” he stammered.
The headmaster smiled. “Well, the good news is that your
son has been voted Queen of the May.”
My dads better
Two kids were arguing in the playground.
“My dad’s a better darts player than your dad,” said the first
boy.
“No he ain’t,” said the second boy. “My dad got the highest
score last week.”
“OK, OK, but my mum’s better than your mum.”
“Yeah, alright, my dad says the same thing.”
“My dad’s a better darts player than your dad,” said the first
boy.
“No he ain’t,” said the second boy. “My dad got the highest
score last week.”
“OK, OK, but my mum’s better than your mum.”
“Yeah, alright, my dad says the same thing.”
what are you doing?
“Mummy, mummy, what are you doing?” exclaimed the little
boy as he walked into the bedroom to find her sitting on
daddy.
“Just flattening daddy’s tummy,” mum replied.
“I wouldn’t bother, when you go out tonight the au pair will
only blow it up again.”
boy as he walked into the bedroom to find her sitting on
daddy.
“Just flattening daddy’s tummy,” mum replied.
“I wouldn’t bother, when you go out tonight the au pair will
only blow it up again.”
little boy asks mommy
“Mummy, mummy, what’s a pussy?” asked the small boy. His
mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture
of a cat.
“That’s a pussy,” she said.
“Mummy, mummy, what’s a bitch?” continued the little boy.
Again, mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her
son a picture of a dog.
But the boy wasn’t convinced so he went to his father and
asked him what a pussy was. Dad went to his magazine,
opened it at the centrefold and drew a circle.
“There you are, son,” he said, “that’s a pussy.”
Then the little boy asked him what a bitch was and dad
replied sadly, “Everything outside the circle, son.”
mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture
of a cat.
“That’s a pussy,” she said.
“Mummy, mummy, what’s a bitch?” continued the little boy.
Again, mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her
son a picture of a dog.
But the boy wasn’t convinced so he went to his father and
asked him what a pussy was. Dad went to his magazine,
opened it at the centrefold and drew a circle.
“There you are, son,” he said, “that’s a pussy.”
Then the little boy asked him what a bitch was and dad
replied sadly, “Everything outside the circle, son.”
how babies are made
“Mummy, mummy, I’ve discovered how babies are made.
I saw daddy put his willy in your mouth last night.”
“No, that’s not right,” replied mummy, “that’s how I get my
expensive jewellery.”
I saw daddy put his willy in your mouth last night.”
“No, that’s not right,” replied mummy, “that’s how I get my
expensive jewellery.”
New Baby
“Doctor, doctor, I’m so worried,” said the anxious man.
“Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son’s just been
born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been
going on?”
“Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do
you have sex?”
“About 5 times a year.”
“Well, there’s your answer then, you’re just a little rusty.”
“Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son’s just been
born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been
going on?”
“Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do
you have sex?”
“About 5 times a year.”
“Well, there’s your answer then, you’re just a little rusty.”
60-year-old husband
The 50-year-old woman phoned up her 60-year-old husband.
“Darling, it’s a miracle, the doctor says I’m pregnant, isn’t
that wonderful? You’re going to be a father.”
“That’s great” replied the husband. “By the way, who is
this?”
“Darling, it’s a miracle, the doctor says I’m pregnant, isn’t
that wonderful? You’re going to be a father.”
“That’s great” replied the husband. “By the way, who is
this?”
Ma and Pa
Daddy is mowing the lawn when his young son comes
running out of the house calling to him.
“Daddy, daddy, what’s sex?” asks the boy.
For a moment dad is dumbstruck but then decides that if his
son has asked the question, then he must do his best to
answer it. For the next few minutes dad talks about the birds
and the bees, then human relationships, love, the sex act,
having babies – in fact he does a pretty good job of covering
every aspect. Eventually he comes to a stop when he sees how
oddly his son is looking at him.
“Why did you want to know?” he asks.
“Well, Mummy said to come
running out of the house calling to him.
“Daddy, daddy, what’s sex?” asks the boy.
For a moment dad is dumbstruck but then decides that if his
son has asked the question, then he must do his best to
answer it. For the next few minutes dad talks about the birds
and the bees, then human relationships, love, the sex act,
having babies – in fact he does a pretty good job of covering
every aspect. Eventually he comes to a stop when he sees how
oddly his son is looking at him.
“Why did you want to know?” he asks.
“Well, Mummy said to come
skinny young boy
There was a skinny young boy who was constantly being
teased by the older lads in the village. One of their favourite
games was to prove how stupid he was by giving him the
choice of picking a 20p piece or a 10p piece. The boy always
chose the 10p piece which would send the bullies into fits of
laughter.
“See,” they would say. “He always picks the 10p because it’s
bigger. He’s so thick.”
On a number of occasions this trick had been witnessed by
the local storekeeper who eventually took the lad aside and
questioned him. “I’m sure you know 10p isn’t worth as much
as 20p, is it really because it’s bigger?”
“Of course not,” whispered the boy, “but if I stopped picking
the 10p they’d stop playing the trick!”
teased by the older lads in the village. One of their favourite
games was to prove how stupid he was by giving him the
choice of picking a 20p piece or a 10p piece. The boy always
chose the 10p piece which would send the bullies into fits of
laughter.
“See,” they would say. “He always picks the 10p because it’s
bigger. He’s so thick.”
On a number of occasions this trick had been witnessed by
the local storekeeper who eventually took the lad aside and
questioned him. “I’m sure you know 10p isn’t worth as much
as 20p, is it really because it’s bigger?”
“Of course not,” whispered the boy, “but if I stopped picking
the 10p they’d stop playing the trick!”
