Blonde Logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

the Robot Secretary

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

Toilet Tissue

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. 

The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 

'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.

'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

The Circle

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.

The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

Horrific Accident

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

You've got Blonde

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

Game Of Intelligence

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Passed Away

Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."

Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

Dumb Blonde Goes to Vegas

The blonde plopped down in First Class in spite of her Coach ticket.
The stewardess informed her, “Miss, you’re going to have to move to your seat.”

But the blonde merely smiled smugly. “Honey, you don’t understand: I’m cute, I’m blonde, and when I get to Las Vegas, I’m going to be rich.”

Even the head stewardess couldn’t make her move. “I’m cute, I’m blonde, and when I get to Las Vegas, I’m going to be rich.”

Finally the Captain was summoned. He whispered in the blonde’s ear, she gave him a surprised look, then stood up and moved quietly to Coach.

The stewardesses were impressed. “What did you say to get her to leave?” “Oh, I just told her ‘First Class doesn’t stop in Las Vegas!’”

Dumb Blonde

A redhead was well over the speed limit when she asked her blonde passenger, “See any cops behind us?”

The blonde turned around for a long look. “Hey, yeah, I do.” “Damn!” said the redhead. “Are his flashers on?”

The blonde replied, “Yep, nope. Yep, nope. Yep, nope.”

The New Yorker Moves To The Country

A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in the country side. Just days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store (a good 2-hour drive away).

"Can you get me some chicken feed?" the man asked.

"Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you actually gots chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin' sick." the clerk responded.

He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. "Here's my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed." He got his feed and drove home.
The next day he ran out of dog food. Once again, he drove down to the store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the same case. He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went back home and retrieved his dog, and got his dog food.

The next day, he went down to the store again, this time with a shoe box with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He walked into the store and said to the clerk "Put your finger in this, take it out, and smell it."

"That smells like... crap!" she said with a look of surprise on her face.

"Yup. Can you get me some toilet paper."

Dirty One Line Jokes

Q. What do a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
A. A wet nose.

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged

Q. Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist?
A. He got the sack.

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don’t ask her out again.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

Q. What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.

Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering menopause?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins.

Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.

Bad One Line Jokes part 2

Q. What’s the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

Q. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from your grandmother have in common?
A. You don’t look down.

Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.

Q. Why is being in the military like a blow job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.

Q. What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?
A. A tearjerker.

Bad One Line Jokes

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.

Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out.

Q. What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.

Q. What’s a necrophiliac’s biggest complaint about sex?
A. They just kinda lay there.

Q. How can you tell you’re in a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.

Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.

the taxidermist

This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

The Bike

A 13 year old boy came home all happy.

His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"

"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.

The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.

When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"

The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.

He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.

The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."

They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,
"Nah dad my bum is still sore."

Teddy Bears

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."

Bad Pick Up Lines Part 5

Do you like milk? Cause you have it around your lips

(two girls are talking to each other) interupt them saying "hello ladies i don't mean to come between you... or do I?

are your parents terrorists? Cause you're the bomb

Hey do you have an extinguisher cause your on FIRE!

Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.

Are you a high jumper because u make my bar go up.

Are you going to the BBQ (What BBQ?) My meat in your grill

The only vowels I need are U and I

Do you need a napkin? because you look DIRTY!!!

are you a pirate? {she replies no why?} cause i am diggin your booty.. (or chest)...

Baby, you give the sun a reason to SHINE.

Do you have 10 cents cause from here you look like a dime

You have monkey wrench eyes, everytime I look into them my nuts tighten

"If I was naked, holding some pie and ice cream, would that still be dessert? or would I?"

I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.

YOU HAVE SOMETHING ON YOUR ASS [WHAT?] MY EYES.

Are you GREEK [IF NO] Are you SURE CAUSE you LOOK LIKE A GODDESS TO ME

Do you know where the nearest insane assylum is? Because baby, without you I'm going crazy.

I will be a Dixie Chick and you be my cowboy... now take me away!

Girl do you take karate because your body is kicking.

Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

Hey babe, can I have your number? I think it'll look better in my pocket than in your head.

"That shirt is becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too."

Is your last name pepper cause your SMOKIN!

hey baby wanna see the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow

Can I use your phone to call God & I need to tell him 1 of his angels are missing

You have something on your ass..what?...my eyes.

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.

I can't play the guitar but i'll sure pluck your G String

Man.... Christmas must have come early this year because you where first on my Christmas list.

(boy)wanna play titanic:(girl)yeah:(boy) when i say iceberg you go down

Are you THE MATRIX, casue I'M THE ONE.

If i filp a coin what are my chances of getting head?

Hey you know what(what) you remind me of homework (why) because your always ready to be done

Do you have a paper towel cuz I get dirty lookin at you!

If you were my deck I would take out the nails and screw you.

Before you put that outfit on they were just clothes, But with you in it.. it is a fashion statment.

Was your Father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?

Save a horse, ride a cowboy.

You're like milk, I just wanna make you part of my complete breakfast.