Bad Pick Up Lines Part 4

Hey Baby. My underwear is completly stretched out. You know what that means.

Drop a packet of sugar on the floor next to the girl you are after. Pick it up and say "I'm sorry, but I think you dropped your nametag!"

Wanna try and Australian kiss? (what's that?) It's like a French kiss...only down under!

Hey you free for dinner, because I have a private chef who makes a mean breakfast in bed.....You see where I'm going with this? (Works better if you actually do have a private chef)

Are you a drummer, because you seem to know the beat of my heart.

Hey, you owe me a drink. I dropped mine when you walked past.

Are you a boxer?? (No) Well how about you get on your knees and give me two blows to the head?

Did you ever realize screw rhymes with me and you?

Are you an alien cause you have just abducted my heart

I'd buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the straw

Did you wash your clothes in windex? Cause i can see myself in your pants

Excuse me, do you have a quarter? (No,why?) Well cause I told my girlfriend I'd call her when I found someone better

Lets play circus, first sit on my face i'll guess ur weight and i'll eat the difference

Do you have a cellphone in your back pocket(why?) Cause yo booty been callin me alllll dayyyy

throw a packet of sugar and say..... excuse me miss you dropped your nametag

Excuse me I think you droped something (when she asks what?) "My Jaw"

Since beauty is only skin deep, your body has no insides...

They say apples don't fall far from the tree, so that must mean your mom's hot too

Girl do you have a fever cause you sure look hot !

I think I saw a picture of you once, I saw it in the dictionary, it was right next to the word "KABLAAM"

Do you like punani .. because I would like 2 eat sum!

I like my coffee just like I like my women with (extra sugar, black, etc)

You wanna play pool I'll shoot my balls in your holes

Hey baby, is your name Daisy? Becuase i have the urge to plant you right here.

It may be a needle, but it works like a sewing machine

Are you a speeding ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you

Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world?

Is that shirt (those pants) mad of camel skin?(no, why?) cuz i noticed the humps

Tickle your pussy with a feather? (What?) I said, "Particularily nice weather."

Is there a magnet in here cuz baby I'm attracted to You.

I saw you from across the room, and I fainted, and hit my head. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance reasons

Hey do you want to play Pearl Harbor. if yea. it is where I sit back and you blow the hell out of me

Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours

You know what would look good on you.....me

Were you standing by the fire? (why) cause your hair is on fire

You so fine I'd bite yo toe nails and drink yo bath water.

Bad Pick Up Lines Part 3

Is your body a map? Cause I love to travel!

Lets go behind a rock and get a little boulder!!/p>

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

Smile if you want to sleep with me then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...

If I filp a coin what are my chances of getting head?

Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket

Hey ,they call me coffee cause I grind so fine

What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some Vitamin me.

Haven't we met before?... I'm not too good with names but i'm awesome with numbers.

If a kiss was a snow flake I would send you a snow storm

Your name must be mickey, cause you so fine. (In reference to One Hit Wonder Song by Toni Basil)

Nice pants...can i test the zipper?

I know hello in 6 different languages, which one do you want me to use in the morning?

Can i get your football jersey (what?) you know your name and number

If I put my key in your ignition will it turn you on?

I need to make a citizens arrest against you, cause it’s a crime to be that fine!

Your like Cigarettes, adictive as hell

Did you brush your teeth this morning or do I need to taste them to find out?

Did you just take a shower or is it me that's making you wet?

I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to u, the PRETTY WOMAN

(for an overweight person)"Hey baby, do you want to put the love in these handles?"

Do u have a boyfriend? Well, when u want a MANfriend, give me a call.

Wow I must be good at darts because I hit a bullseye with you

Damn Girl, your about to make the rocket in my pants blast off!

Have you ever slid down a rail, She says "no" would you like to slide down mine.

Girl, your so hot, I need oven mitts!

Hi, my name is Doug. Backwards, it's god with a little bit of U wrapped around it.

We're both fine specimans lets say we go make some more

Could you step away from the bar? your making all the ice melt

do you have an extendo ladder? because the first wall you put between us was to high for my regular ladder.

Bad Pick Up Lines Part 2

Baby I want to wear you like a pair of sun glasses, one leg over each ear.

You're in a relationship, im in a relationship but that doesn't mean we can't have relations

You must be a ship you've always been on my radar

If a blade of grass was sexy, then baby youd be a field.

If fine was a felony you'd be on death row.

Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way.
When she arrives say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."

You owe me money!! (Why?) because you've been living in my heart and not payin rent

Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

You know how some men buy really expensive cars to make up for certain, well, shortages? Well, I don't even own a car.

(for an overweight person)"Hey baby, do you want to put the love in these handles?"

Am I in the woods cuz your a fox

The only thing I want between our relationship is latex

If you were a car, I'd wax and ride you all over town

Excuse me for interupting, and im not trying to make a pass, but you must be leaving the country if youre packing that much ass.

Hey, I lost my gun holester can I use yours?

Hey I am like a Rubik’s cube the more you play with me the harder I get!

Cute smile...Is that the only thing you can do with those lips?

God almost didn't make you. He was afraid the angels would get jealous.

Starlight, starbright why don't you come home with me tonight!

Hi, I'm an fine art appraiser and your ass is priceless!

You must be a parking ticket because you got fine written all over you

If Santa Claus comes down your chimney, and puts you in his sack, dont worry because I wanted you for christmas

I've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your G-spot.

If your left leg was thanksgiving and your right leg was christmas can I come see you between the holidays.

You're so hot you would make the devil sweat.

Awww.. BABY GURL YOU Aint NO DYME BECAUSE DYMES GET SPENT, BUT IN OTHER WORDS YOU A DIAMOND BECAUSE DIAMONDS LAST FOREVER

See that girl over there (if yes) shes likes nails. I sure hope you prefer screws cuz I can give you alot!

Bad Pick Up Lines Part 1

Are you an aspirin because I'd like to take you every 4 to 6 hours

There are a lot of fish in the sea, but your the only one I'd like to mount and take back to my place

Excuse me are you hiring? I heard you have an opening you need filled.

What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My Zipper

Do you like parties? Because you can climb up my pants and have a ball!

If you were vanilla ice cream and I was hot caramel, I'd pour myself all over you

Here is $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come to talk to me.

Girl......you are like a tall glass of water. And im telling youuuu str8 up im thirsty.

If you were a word on a peice of paper you would read (fine print)

Life without you would be like a broken pencil...pointless.

kissing is a language of love....... so how bout a conversation?

If you were a laser you'd be set to stunning.

Baby, your lips are like candy and im the fat kid

Octo Mom

Q: What's the name of the porn movie about Nadya Suleman's life?

A1: Nadya Croft...Womb Raider
A2: Eight Ain't Enough
A3: Big Tits and Stretchmarks
A4: Insemination Station
A5: Octopussy
A6: Octouterus
A7: The Other Grand Canyon
A8: Sperms Of Endearment
A9: DUDE, WHERE'S MY SPERM DONOR?

Blonde Education Department

The blondes at the university led by Suzy , were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbo's. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.


So Suzy pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed and set up the Blonde Education Department.

Suzy and the blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbo's -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department designed by Suzy which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."

101 Ways to Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact..
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

More Bad Economy Jokes

Q: Why did General Motors end their sponsorship deal with Tiger Woods?
A: Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, and popular. And that's not the image GM is trying to portray!

Q: Why is it a bad sign that our camp in Guantanamo Bay is closing?
A: The economy is so bad now that even the terrorists are losing their homes!

Q: Why did the man think he saw a ghost on Halloween?
A: A kid dressed up as a 401 (K)

Bad Economy Jokes

Q: Why are Women more pessimistic about the economy then Men?
A: Because men are in charge of the economy!

Q: What is Barack Obama's new slogan in these tough times?
A: Spare Change You Can Believe In!

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."

Christopher Reeves

Q: whats the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

A: Christopher Walken

Blonde Cop

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Let's Play - Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!

A husband and wife were getting ready for bed one evening.
"Honey," the fellow asked, "do you want to have make love tonight?"
"No dear, not tonight," she replied.
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer!"
"In that case," he said, "may I phone a friend

The Redneck & the Dummy

A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. All of a sudden, an angry redneck stands up, rolls up his sleeves ,and yells, ''I resent that!''

The ventriloquist starts apologizing to the redneck. The redneck looks at him and says, '' You stay outta this! I'm talking to the guy on your lap!''

What's For Lunch?

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

Bad Swine Flu Joke

Q: How do you know if you have the Swine Flu?
A1: A small curly tail starts growing at the top of your tailbone!
A2: You start to apply mud instead of suntan lotion
A3: When you out in public you start to snuff for truffles
A4: After your fever breaks you start to smell like bacon!
A5. You emit short snorts between sentences

Swine Flu

Q: What do you get when a guy with Swine Flu picks his nose?
A: Pulled Pork!

the maternity ward

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fuck for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

these three guys in a desert

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

terrible urges

An 18-year-old boy says to his father, “Dad, I keep getting
these terrible urges, what can I do about it?”

“I think you’d better go and see my friend Bob, he’s a sex therapist, I’m sure he’ll be able to help. Pop round to his
house this evening.”

The boy does as his father suggests, but after 5 visits there’s
no improvement. The sixth time he goes round the door is
opened by Bob’s wife who tells him the therapist has been
called away on urgent business.

“Can I help at all?” she says.

The boy tells her his problem and within moments she takes
him by the hand, leads him upstairs and makes frenzied love
to him. The next day he meets up with his father who asks
him how the treatment is going.

“It’s great now, dad,” smiles the boy. “The therapist’s wife
has got more brains between her legs than he has in his
head.”

the peanut

A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear and no matter
how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out.

Just as they’re about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the
boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it
out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man’s nose and tells him to
blow as hard as he can.

The man does this and the peanut pops out. Sometime later the parents are talking and mum comments, “Our Vera’s got a clever boyfriend there. I wonder what will become of him.”

“I’ll tell you one thing, by the smell of his fingers, he’ll be
our son-in-law,” came the reply.

Disappointed Father

The boy’s father was so disappointed with his son’s school
report, he decided to go and see the headmaster to find out
what had gone wrong.

“Well, I have good news and bad news,” replied the
headmaster.

“The bad news is that your son has discovered he’s gay and
he spends all his time pursuing the good looking boys
instead of studying.”

The father was horrified.

“But what on earth is the good news?” he stammered.

The headmaster smiled. “Well, the good news is that your
son has been voted Queen of the May.”

My dads better

Two kids were arguing in the playground.

“My dad’s a better darts player than your dad,” said the first
boy.

“No he ain’t,” said the second boy. “My dad got the highest
score last week.”

“OK, OK, but my mum’s better than your mum.”

“Yeah, alright, my dad says the same thing.”

what are you doing?

“Mummy, mummy, what are you doing?” exclaimed the little
boy as he walked into the bedroom to find her sitting on
daddy.

“Just flattening daddy’s tummy,” mum replied.

“I wouldn’t bother, when you go out tonight the au pair will
only blow it up again.”

little boy asks mommy

“Mummy, mummy, what’s a pussy?” asked the small boy. His
mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture
of a cat.

“That’s a pussy,” she said.

“Mummy, mummy, what’s a bitch?” continued the little boy.
Again, mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her
son a picture of a dog.

But the boy wasn’t convinced so he went to his father and
asked him what a pussy was. Dad went to his magazine,
opened it at the centrefold and drew a circle.

“There you are, son,” he said, “that’s a pussy.”
Then the little boy asked him what a bitch was and dad
replied sadly, “Everything outside the circle, son.”

how babies are made

“Mummy, mummy, I’ve discovered how babies are made.
I saw daddy put his willy in your mouth last night.”

“No, that’s not right,” replied mummy, “that’s how I get my
expensive jewellery.”

New Baby

“Doctor, doctor, I’m so worried,” said the anxious man.

“Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son’s just been
born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been
going on?”

“Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do
you have sex?”

“About 5 times a year.”

“Well, there’s your answer then, you’re just a little rusty.”

60-year-old husband

The 50-year-old woman phoned up her 60-year-old husband.

“Darling, it’s a miracle, the doctor says I’m pregnant, isn’t
that wonderful? You’re going to be a father.”

“That’s great” replied the husband. “By the way, who is
this?”

Ma and Pa

Daddy is mowing the lawn when his young son comes
running out of the house calling to him.

“Daddy, daddy, what’s sex?” asks the boy.

For a moment dad is dumbstruck but then decides that if his
son has asked the question, then he must do his best to
answer it. For the next few minutes dad talks about the birds
and the bees, then human relationships, love, the sex act,
having babies – in fact he does a pretty good job of covering
every aspect. Eventually he comes to a stop when he sees how
oddly his son is looking at him.

“Why did you want to know?” he asks.

“Well, Mummy said to come

skinny young boy

There was a skinny young boy who was constantly being
teased by the older lads in the village. One of their favourite
games was to prove how stupid he was by giving him the
choice of picking a 20p piece or a 10p piece. The boy always
chose the 10p piece which would send the bullies into fits of
laughter.

“See,” they would say. “He always picks the 10p because it’s
bigger. He’s so thick.”

On a number of occasions this trick had been witnessed by
the local storekeeper who eventually took the lad aside and
questioned him. “I’m sure you know 10p isn’t worth as much
as 20p, is it really because it’s bigger?”

“Of course not,” whispered the boy, “but if I stopped picking
the 10p they’d stop playing the trick!”